Saturday, February 19, 2005

Breathe in, breathe out

I've finally transitioned to my new job full time. And I'm really, really happy. I screw up in a major way at least once a day, my boss is constantly riding my ass, I'm working 12 hours a day even now that I'm not doing two jobs, and yet, I am still stoked to get up and go to work everyday.

Which is nice because other things are not going so well. My aunt died last Sunday. She was only in her 50s, but she had been battling cancer for the last several years. My family is kind of, well, distant. When my grandparents were alive and well, we had these huge family get-togethers all the time. My dad, his six siblings, their 20 assorted offspring, and spouses, and girlfriends and boyfriends galore. But when my grandfather died 10 years ago, it all started tapering off. My dad has been feuding sporadically with his sisters, and over time, my immediate family really grew apart from the rest of the family. So it makes me really sad to know that the aunt I loved so much as a child was almost a stranger to me when she died. I didn't know anything about her life, or what she cared about or what she did with her life. I don't know what her children - my cousins - do for a living or which grandchild goes with which cousin. We had a wake-type family thing today, and I didn't really know anyone. When I last saw these people, I was only 21, the "baby" of the family and they were this phenomenon that happened to me. Now they all remember me, but all I know is the cardboard cut-outs of what I perceived them to be as "the grownups." I don't know where I'm going with this... but I'm just sad that my family - my big, loud, obnoxious, raucous family - is lost to me. And, as one big cohesive unit, lost to each other.


It's my birthday this week. My grandfather died five days after my 21st birthday. My grandmother died the day after my 30th birthday. My aunt died nine days before my 32nd birthday. I'm really starting to dread my birthday for reasons totally aside from the "ick, I'm a fat aging soccer mom" reasons.